He’s not your knight in shining armour
He’s not your future prince
He’s not your happily ever after fairytale
Here to save you with a kiss.
He’s not the Shiva to your Shakti.
He’s not your twin flame
You’re running your daddy issues with this dude
I’m sorry, but it’s gotta be named.
Anything hiding in the shadows of our psyche that we have cast out as not okay, unloveable or undesirable has power over us.
It blocks our relaxed, natural, authentic, expression,
it cuts off our abundance, our ability to have success and create freely,
it reduces our attractiveness, magnetism and desirability.
It stops our life force from flowing freely.
Loving and embracing all parts of ourselves is huge.
And everyone has a different shadow, shame, kink or block that is particular to them.
And just like that, there you go again.
Rushing, stressing moving in the world as if it’s going to end today.
Overwhelmed, frazzled, busy as fuck
Moving like your life depends on getting to the end of some illusionary finish line.
Doesn't matter what it is really,
There's a stressful tempo of go, go, go.
Urgently, frantically, ON
Rushing through your shower, your breakfast, sex, the next big project, all the things that need doing and deciding and finishing.
Regularly arriving late and breathless, cramming for a deadline, cumming hard and fast for the finish line.
Adrenaline, caffeine, cortisol, addicted to the rush of chaos, passionate triggers, tight tension and the weight of responsibility
The journey to being a healthy adult is realising that you are not just your 30 or 40, 50 year old self (or whatever age you are right now) but more like a babushka (Matryoshka) doll. Every year you've lived before exists inside of you right now all the way back to your new born self. Each version holds different memories, needs, behaviours and expressions.
Each one makes up who you are, how you behave, what you believe, the decisions you make right now.
The health of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally begins with this awareness.
Like when you feel really insecure around the opposite sex, it's not you now but your 15 year old self who got rejected in high school for not being one of the pretty girls.
Or when you get really fucking angry when your partner vagues out for a moment, it's your 4 year old who never felt heard by your father.
Or your stomach goes into knots at the thought of speaking in public it's your 10 year old that used to stutter and get laughed at.
Your inability to take care of yourself and eat well is your newborn that never got breastfed.
I have spent years in the conscious community, workshop, healing bubble.
Creating, leading and being part of spaces very outside of ‘normal’ mainstream society.
Magical rituals and ceremony, spaces which encourage full shameless freedom, spaces which invite total sexual emotional expression, deep sharing, places where there is deep sensitivity and feeling and conscious acknowledgement of what is beneath the surface of the physical world, spaces where there are boundaries and agreements and consent containers at every turn.
Although I am a huge fan of spaces like this and the healing bubble they provide. I also think it is extremely important for true integration to embrace and be part of the world outside the workshop. Both are equally valuable and necessary
Because essentially pretty much everyone is walking around with some level of it yet many of us have not even thought about it.
Think about it...
Your first contact with the world is a deep imprint that stays with you - whether you know it or not it will be affecting your feelings and actions as an adult.
Do you extremely triggered when you perceive others are pressuring you to make a decision?
It’s likely your birth trauma running.
Do you find most of your transitions are stressful and rushed, (getting to work, moving to a new house)?
Yahhh birth trauma.
When you experience anxiety in new unfamiliar situations.
When you just can’t settle or stop or relax and be with yourself.
When you struggle to trust or open with another.
When you can’t seem to finish all those projects you started or get anything off the ground.
Yep - birth trauma alert
I've been pondering leaky sexual energy a lot lately.
The how and why of my own leaks and the leaks of others.
For anyone who's ever been around the spiritual/tantra worlds you have likely experienced what I mean.
Gurus with no professional boundaries. Healers who hold that hug just a few seconds too long. That feeling of playing with another person's (or multiple persons') energy field in a way that feels hooky, dirty, manipulative or just 'off'.
When I was 22, on a diagnostic technicality some psychiatrists labelled me officially bi-polar.
The reason being, around that time, I had a full blown psychotic episode that lasted over a month that was not drug induced. According to the DSM (Diagnostic Statistics Manual of Mental disorders) I technically I had to have either schizophrenia or bipolar for this to happen.
So, bipolar it was.
Thankfully I politely told that doctor to shove his label up his ass and after an extremely epic year escaped the mental health system (relatively) unharmed.
That period in my life was full on, it was an opening and a connection to a spiritual, creative, embodied understanding I had never come into contact with, it was a deep processing of some really dark dirty unconscious shit, it was the byproduct of pumping way too much energy through a tiny little body that had no idea how to hold it all.
I honour that experience for everything it gifted me and one of biggest things that got cemented in that time and I am still extremely passionate about is the danger of labelling our emotional nature as an 'illness' or something to 'fix' rather than just being with it and learning from it.
Yes under some kind of 'bible of normal' I was a fucking lunatic and actually still am.
The difference now though is I can generally fully accept and listen to my depth and recognise the cycles of nature within - of light and dark, happy and sad, horrifying and glorious and honour the gifts that I have to go to the depths of feeling all of it. As i grow and mature my ability to be with and manage the fluctuations of myself becomes so much gentler. But I don't think I will ever be considered 'normal' and I actually think the whole concept is a really dangerous one that disconnects us very early on to the depth of who we really are creativity, spiritually, emotionally and psychically.
Fuck your Humility.
It’s not doing you any favours.
I want you to show me how much you are in love with yourself.
Give me More of YOU.
Let Yourself Be Too Much.
OWN THE FUCKING AMAZINGNESS THAT YOU ARE.
Fuck that tall poppy shit right off,
Shine baby Shine,
Wear bright lipstick to lunch,
That special dress on a Tuesday.
Strut down the street.
Wind down the windows and turn up the music LOUD.
Speak with passion, like you mean it.
Moan when something feels or tastes good.
Recognise that your full radiance, while it may disturb and disgust some.
Most of the time you will actual wake others up.
Disturb the walking dead that is the majority of society.
When you are so deeply rooted in your own light.
Your own power
Your own confidence and joy,
When it becomes unshakeable bliss inside of you.
It becomes something that radiates out to others.
It blesses them, it opens them.
Your light is a gift.
Yet sadly, it won't always be celebrated and received like that...
So I have a confession to make.
As much I am a leader in self expression particularly sexual expression, an advocate and permission granter to all you to put of yourself out there and to not hold back…
There’s something I have been holding back.
About a month ago now I received back some images from a photo shoot I did.
When I received them I gasped. Some of them were SO fucking sexy and I could immediately feel how resistant I was to sharing them with anyone.
Never one to ignore a twinge of resistance I've been pondering this reaction and what underlies it ever since. I've been chatting with different women, picking and clearing through the pieces of my psyche and getting a hold of what lay beneath this fear. I knew this was not the first time I withheld sharing something I really loved of myself – actually, I have lots of videos I film particularly of me dancing and singing and many pictures that have been taken of me that remain hidden away in my computer.
Now for many that might seem normal – as it goes most 'normal' people choose to keep the intimate parts of themselves private and share very little of their deeper selves with the public. But for me – I am a massive advocate of Sharing ALL OF YOU. I believe sharing fully, intimately, honestly about ourselves with others is one way we will really heal this world – because within that sharing we dissolve the separation, we stop being a perfect ‘public figure’ to pedestal and start being a human fucking being. I believe the world is realness deficient and experiencing an authenticity famine and we are CRAVING IT so bad. Craving the nourishment and sigh of relief that comes from recognising through the confessions of another that we aren’t alone.
However what I’ve realised about my theory and how I put it into practice is I am much more comfortable sharing my vulnerabilities and struggles than I am in fully shining and sharing my light – particularly my creative and sexual expression.
Although I am here speaking and claiming and teaching full expression and sexual empowerment. I’m actually shit scared to really put that part of myself out there. Ha ha ha…
And you know why I’m scared?