I've been pondering leaky sexual energy a lot lately.
The how and why of my own leaks and the leaks of others.
For anyone who's ever been around the spiritual/tantra worlds you have likely experienced what I mean.
Gurus with no professional boundaries. Healers who hold that hug just a few seconds too long. That feeling of playing with another person's (or multiple persons') energy field in a way that feels hooky, dirty, manipulative or just 'off'.
Have you ever had a woman dance for you?
Dance and grind down the divine for you?
Gifting you with her opening,
Blessing you with her pleasure.
Have you ever?
Have you ever had a woman dance for you?
Setting you free from your mind with the softness of her thighs,
Cumming in service to your consciousness.
In sensual devotion to your depth.
Have you ever?
Have you ever had a woman reveal who you are with her ripple of her flesh?
Every flick of her hair and curve of her hip.
Every inch of her, in service to you.
Have you ever had a woman dance you back home into yourself with her sex?
I just got a complaint from the real estate with "reports of strange noises and activity"
Yes I have sex loudly, We dance and make music and are not afraid to express our sounds of pleasure, pain, excitement and pain in our home.
Why do we live in a society where that is considered 'strange' and not completely fucking healthy and normal?
I've lived in various sex positive communities all over the world where the sounds of your neighbours or housemates pleasure and expression was heard every other day. i would regularly hear moans and screams of delight in my neighbourhood. If it was late and I really needed sleep - earplugs worked wonders, if it was a normal time of the day - I actually really enjoyed it, even found it inspiring!
It was really obvious to me when I came back to live in the 'real world' how very rarely I EVER heard anyone having sex, even when I lived in a tiny apartment with couples above and below me.
Seriously...How does that work?
My guess is people just aren't having it, or when they are doing it very quietly, 'keeping it down' putting a pillow over their mouth or holding their breath and keeping it all in.
When we block our sound we block off the way energy moves through our body. Our pleasure, our pain, our sadness, anger, excitement when we dont let out sound we literally shut ourselves down. When we make sound and make it loud we can allow energy to move through our body and free ourselves up to be fully connected and communicate whats happening in our body.
So I have a confession to make.
As much I am a leader in self expression particularly sexual expression, an advocate and permission granter to all you to put of yourself out there and to not hold back…
There’s something I have been holding back.
About a month ago now I received back some images from a photo shoot I did.
When I received them I gasped. Some of them were SO fucking sexy and I could immediately feel how resistant I was to sharing them with anyone.
Never one to ignore a twinge of resistance I've been pondering this reaction and what underlies it ever since. I've been chatting with different women, picking and clearing through the pieces of my psyche and getting a hold of what lay beneath this fear. I knew this was not the first time I withheld sharing something I really loved of myself – actually, I have lots of videos I film particularly of me dancing and singing and many pictures that have been taken of me that remain hidden away in my computer.
Now for many that might seem normal – as it goes most 'normal' people choose to keep the intimate parts of themselves private and share very little of their deeper selves with the public. But for me – I am a massive advocate of Sharing ALL OF YOU. I believe sharing fully, intimately, honestly about ourselves with others is one way we will really heal this world – because within that sharing we dissolve the separation, we stop being a perfect ‘public figure’ to pedestal and start being a human fucking being. I believe the world is realness deficient and experiencing an authenticity famine and we are CRAVING IT so bad. Craving the nourishment and sigh of relief that comes from recognising through the confessions of another that we aren’t alone.
However what I’ve realised about my theory and how I put it into practice is I am much more comfortable sharing my vulnerabilities and struggles than I am in fully shining and sharing my light – particularly my creative and sexual expression.
Although I am here speaking and claiming and teaching full expression and sexual empowerment. I’m actually shit scared to really put that part of myself out there. Ha ha ha…
And you know why I’m scared?
Like you never have before.
You bared your body, your heart, your spirit and soul.
Last night, You got vulnerable.
You went to places way beyond who you thought you were.
Unleashed this new possibility of yourself out into the world.
You expressed your full power,
Lit up by your own expansion,
Amazing, exhilarating, ecstasy.
That left you,
And this morning.
You wake, with a sinking feeling in your stomach.
Flashbacks coming in. remembering it all.
'What the hell was THAT?'
Well my friend;
Your fixed self concept got absolutely fucking smashed last night.
Downing shots of love,
Taking swigs of pleasure,
Skulling bottles of bliss,
Until it was passed out unconscious on the floor somewhere...
Last night your true essence was given full permission to play.
And oh did she play.
She danced all night.
In reckless, wild, abandon.
Made love with the universe, with everyone and everything.
You're not so sure...
Something that seemed so breathtakingly freeing
Now feels a bit seedy,
A bit cringey and freaky.