Anything hiding in the shadows of our psyche that we have cast out as not okay, unloveable or undesirable has power over us. It blocks our relaxed, natural, authentic, expression, it cuts off our abundance, our ability to have success and create freely, it reduces our attractiveness, magnetism and desirability.
It stops our life force from flowing freely.
Loving and embracing all parts of ourselves is huge.
And everyone has a different shadow, shame, kink or block that is particular to them.
Rushing, stressing moving in the world as if it’s going to end today. Overwhelmed, frazzled, busy as fuck Moving like your life depends on getting to the end of some illusionary finish line.
Doesn't matter what it is really, There's a stressful tempo of go, go, go. Urgently, frantically, ON
Rushing through your shower, your breakfast, sex, the next big project, all the things that need doing and deciding and finishing. Regularly arriving late and breathless, cramming for a deadline, cumming hard and fast for the finish line. Adrenaline, caffeine, cortisol, addicted to the rush of chaos, passionate triggers, tight tension and the weight of responsibility
You cannot get away with not having shit you have to deal with in your life. Experiences where there are wounds, ouchy bits, missing links, bumps in the road and areas where you just can't seem to get your shit together. The thing is though, the issue is not the struggles themselves. The issue is how we relate and respond to the struggles.
Because the reality of life is challenges and flaws will ALWAYS be there. You cannot get rid of them EVER.
To grow and evolve is to learn and fuck up, to take one step forward and two steps back and that is the human journey. And when you can humbly accept that the flaws and fuck ups are never going to end then you can stop harshly beating yourself up when they inevitably keep coming.
You can stop trying in vain to desperately clear away all your shit to become perfect and start doing the real work which is learning how to be graceful and loving with yourself and others in the messy process that being a human is. Then when you witness your shit show up in yourself or your life, when you see that same pattern, that same trauma reoccurring, another hurdle, another flaw;
Dear life, Thank you for loving me. When you are stroking and caressing me and I am purring. When you are kicking the living shit out of me and I am bruised, beaten and hurting. When you are bringing me more pleasure and joy than I think is possible. When you are threatening to destroy and dismantle everything that I hold close.
THANK YOU for loving me.
When I’m abandoned and when I’m welcomed. When I am terrified and when I am unstoppable. When I am deeply seen and when I am painfully ignored. Every. single. moment.
Thank you for your love.
I know I’ve been ferociously fighting you for so long. Fists clenched at eye height, taking you on. I’ve been resisting you, manipulating you, Controlling you (at least attempting too!) Protecting myself from the scary unknown of you. Desperately scrambling for a way out. Scanning constantly for the eject button. White knuckles clinging to your edges in panic. Terrified to really rest back, to let go and fall into you
The journey to being a healthy adult is realising that you are not just your 30 or 40, 50 year old self (or whatever age you are right now) but more like a babushka (Matryoshka) doll. Every year you've lived before exists inside of you right now all the way back to your new born self. Each version holds different memories, needs, behaviours and expressions. Each one makes up who you are, how you behave, what you believe, the decisions you make right now.
The health of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally begins with this awareness.
Like when you feel really insecure around the opposite sex, it's not you now but your 15 year old self who got rejected in high school for not being one of the pretty girls. Or when you get really fucking angry when your partner vagues out for a moment, it's your 4 year old who never felt heard by your father. Or your stomach goes into knots at the thought of speaking in public it's your 10 year old that used to stutter and get laughed at. Your inability to take care of yourself and eat well is your newborn that never got breastfed.
In a world where success, getting to the top, and being an ass kicking badass powerhouse is often the desired outcome for a life well lived... I think humility gets an underrated rap.
To regularly find yourself in a place of ‘wow there is so much I don’t know’ reflects a much deeper wisdom than thinking you’ve always got it sorted. I always think of that iceberg analogy that we really only have conscious awareness of the tiny tip visible above the water, while the other 80/90 percent of what’s going on is down below the surface and a complete mystery to us. We can only process so much of reality at once and this is just fact. And that fact is, in the grand scheme of things we don’t know shit.
Recognising our smallness is just as valuable as being big, bold and out there. Feeling that we are but a tiny insignificant blip on the epic landscape of existence allows us to not take ourselves or life too seriously.
Over the past year or so much of my ego has been torn to bits around this. Mountains of false pride and naive arrogance ripped out from under me and although many times I’ve wanted to die and felt like I was, the continual gift that I’ve received from the process is that it has softened me.
It’s made me more compassionate, more receptive, humble and real.