Thank you for loving me.
When you are stroking and caressing me and I am purring.
When you are kicking the living shit out of me and I am bruised, beaten and hurting.
When you are bringing me more pleasure and joy than I think is possible.
When you are threatening to destroy and dismantle everything that I hold close.
THANK YOU for loving me.
When I’m abandoned and when I’m welcomed.
When I am terrified and when I am unstoppable.
When I am deeply seen and when I am painfully ignored.
Every. single. moment.
Thank you for your love.
I know I’ve been ferociously fighting you for so long.
Fists clenched at eye height, taking you on.
I’ve been resisting you, manipulating you,
Controlling you (at least attempting too!)
Protecting myself from the scary unknown of you.
Desperately scrambling for a way out.
Scanning constantly for the eject button.
White knuckles clinging to your edges in panic.
Terrified to really rest back, to let go and fall into you
The journey to being a healthy adult is realising that you are not just your 30 or 40, 50 year old self (or whatever age you are right now) but more like a babushka (Matryoshka) doll. Every year you've lived before exists inside of you right now all the way back to your new born self. Each version holds different memories, needs, behaviours and expressions.
Each one makes up who you are, how you behave, what you believe, the decisions you make right now.
The health of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally begins with this awareness.
Like when you feel really insecure around the opposite sex, it's not you now but your 15 year old self who got rejected in high school for not being one of the pretty girls.
Or when you get really fucking angry when your partner vagues out for a moment, it's your 4 year old who never felt heard by your father.
Or your stomach goes into knots at the thought of speaking in public it's your 10 year old that used to stutter and get laughed at.
Your inability to take care of yourself and eat well is your newborn that never got breastfed.
In a world where success, getting to the top, and being an ass kicking badass powerhouse is often the desired outcome for a life well lived... I think humility gets an underrated rap.
To regularly find yourself in a place of ‘wow there is so much I don’t know’ reflects a much deeper wisdom than thinking you’ve always got it sorted.
I always think of that iceberg analogy that we really only have conscious awareness of the tiny tip visible above the water, while the other 80/90 percent of what’s going on is down below the surface and a complete mystery to us. We can only process so much of reality at once and this is just fact.
And that fact is, in the grand scheme of things we don’t know shit.
Recognising our smallness is just as valuable as being big, bold and out there. Feeling that we are but a tiny insignificant blip on the epic landscape of existence allows us to not take ourselves or life too seriously.
Over the past year or so much of my ego has been torn to bits around this. Mountains of false pride and naive arrogance ripped out from under me and although many times I’ve wanted to die and felt like I was, the continual gift that I’ve received from the process is that it has softened me.
It’s made me more compassionate, more receptive, humble and real.