Anything hiding in the shadows of our psyche that we have cast out as not okay, unloveable or undesirable has power over us.
It blocks our relaxed, natural, authentic, expression,
it cuts off our abundance, our ability to have success and create freely,
it reduces our attractiveness, magnetism and desirability.
It stops our life force from flowing freely.
Loving and embracing all parts of ourselves is huge.
And everyone has a different shadow, shame, kink or block that is particular to them.
We all struggle with something.
You cannot get away with not having shit you have to deal with in your life.
Experiences where there are wounds, ouchy bits, missing links, bumps in the road and areas where you just can't seem to get your shit together.
The thing is though, the issue is not the struggles themselves.
The issue is how we relate and respond to the struggles.
Because the reality of life is challenges and flaws will ALWAYS be there.
You cannot get rid of them EVER.
To grow and evolve is to learn and fuck up, to take one step forward and two steps back and that is the human journey.
And when you can humbly accept that the flaws and fuck ups are never going to end then you can stop harshly beating yourself up when they inevitably keep coming.
You can stop trying in vain to desperately clear away all your shit to become perfect and start doing the real work which is learning how to be graceful and loving with yourself and others in the messy process that being a human is.
Then when you witness your shit show up in yourself or your life, when you see that same pattern, that same trauma reoccurring, another hurdle, another flaw;
I am a very sensitive person which comes with both its gifts and its challenges.
Gift wise - I am tuned in as fuck and extremely sensitive to what is going on for people. I can literally feel and identify often very accurately a persons patterns within a few minutes of talking with them and it makes me a kick ass facilitator and coach because I can really get real with people.
The challenge is, I've really had to learn how to live gracefully in a world that often feels really harsh.
This harshness I experience is because so many of us are so disconnected from what we are feeling and so we walk around emotionally and energetically stabbing each others soft underbellies without even knowing it. Yes at a core level we are all actually deeply tuned in, sensitive and psychically aware of each other, but because many of us at some point chose to disassociate from ourselves because someone else stabbed our underbelly with their own disconnection because someone stabbed them...the cycle of harsh shutdown relating continues.
Often as we open up and more and more, we can find ways of connecting and relating that were perfectly acceptable before suddenly become really painful - that sarcastic comment or jab cant be laughed off or brushed away like it used to because now you can really FEEL it and it hurts.
There are two things you can do in this moment when you can feel someone acting in a way that is stabbing to the heart.
So I have a confession to make.
As much I am a leader in self expression particularly sexual expression, an advocate and permission granter to all you to put of yourself out there and to not hold back…
There’s something I have been holding back.
About a month ago now I received back some images from a photo shoot I did.
When I received them I gasped. Some of them were SO fucking sexy and I could immediately feel how resistant I was to sharing them with anyone.
Never one to ignore a twinge of resistance I've been pondering this reaction and what underlies it ever since. I've been chatting with different women, picking and clearing through the pieces of my psyche and getting a hold of what lay beneath this fear. I knew this was not the first time I withheld sharing something I really loved of myself – actually, I have lots of videos I film particularly of me dancing and singing and many pictures that have been taken of me that remain hidden away in my computer.
Now for many that might seem normal – as it goes most 'normal' people choose to keep the intimate parts of themselves private and share very little of their deeper selves with the public. But for me – I am a massive advocate of Sharing ALL OF YOU. I believe sharing fully, intimately, honestly about ourselves with others is one way we will really heal this world – because within that sharing we dissolve the separation, we stop being a perfect ‘public figure’ to pedestal and start being a human fucking being. I believe the world is realness deficient and experiencing an authenticity famine and we are CRAVING IT so bad. Craving the nourishment and sigh of relief that comes from recognising through the confessions of another that we aren’t alone.
However what I’ve realised about my theory and how I put it into practice is I am much more comfortable sharing my vulnerabilities and struggles than I am in fully shining and sharing my light – particularly my creative and sexual expression.
Although I am here speaking and claiming and teaching full expression and sexual empowerment. I’m actually shit scared to really put that part of myself out there. Ha ha ha…
And you know why I’m scared?
Drama, pain, sadness and emotional breakdowns are just your souls way of communicating that something needs to change in your life.'Negative' emotions are an unavoidable part of the evolutionary nature of our psyche - embrace them!!
Rather than trying to push them down, avoid them and suppress them....ask yourself what isn't in alignment right now that is demanding to be changed?
That is ALL pain is - a signpost to a new level of evolution! Crappy emotions are like an inner alarm signalling the next UPGRADE. If it was all bliss and rainbows then why would there be any push within us to transform?
There are two responses I see most people have to their emotional pain. (you also might swing between the two)
DESIRE - that pull or charge we feel in our body towards something or someone are signposts to transformation, growth, connection, love and our gateway to divinity.
Our desires are the divine pull that can guide our entire life.
But still, this idea can be a challenge to embody when all around us this energy is being shut down, repressed and blocked- we have so much mind shit going on that the initial impetus of our desire gets stopped fast in it's tracks before we even get the chance to say 'I like you'- This starts to happen from a very young age and because it's such an ingrained pattern, so many of us have no idea what we actually do want because we have spent so many years having to keep it in.
The channel between feeling the desire and expressing it is clogged up and this energy gets all confused and warped in it's attempt at expression - desires and wants manifest in weird, unclear ways that leave us unfulfilled, unsatisfied and unmet.We withhold our expression of our desire all the time because we are scared of what that means - maybe we will look like a slut, desperate, needy, sleazy. Or we turn the initial activated pull of desire into fantasy ideas about that person being the 'one' our soul mate or the person we are meant to have our babies with. All these mind concepts are the very things that block the free flow of the expression of it. Rather than simply trusting the energy is guiding you and be curious about what that is.
If we move in the spiritual, Buddhist, ascetic worlds for long enough we can be told that our desires are not spiritual - or maybe as a young child we were told we were 'selfish'
There are plenty of teachings out there which can support the idea that our desires are something we need to ascend, detach from, get rid of or feel bad about.
We are living in an epidemic of desire suppression and it's fucking shit up.
It's that totally inevitable, unavoidable part of being human; it may feel like nausea, dread, be felt all through your body or be just in your head - but it's there and it's very real and often shows up when we are moving out of our comfort zone and dancing on our edge. Working in sexuality and putting on events that are slightly on the boundary pushing side; I speak with a lot of people about fear; the many ways it affects our lives and how we deal with it. What I've seen is most, is that we don't have a balanced relationship with our fear, we've got a kind of dominant-submissive thing going on where fear is kicking our ass and controlling us completely whenever he shows up. I'm very passionate about fear and have found a pretty nice kind of arrangement with the guy so I thought I would share with you today a few tips on ways to help you respond, relate, communicate and ultimately love your fear. this could be when you are thinking about asking someone out, starting a new project, or pondering a confronting workshop or event.
FEAR - THE DO'S AND DONT'S
DON'T believe that fear is ever going to disappear or that you can transcend it and be free.
DO recognise that fear is a part of the evolution and process of growth and is simply a signpost for where you need to go next, and once you get there - as the saying goes...new level, new devil. Learning how to respond and relate when the devil shows up is the key.
DON'T make demands of yourself - or try to force yourself into feeling a certain way about the situation.
DO drop your expectations. Often our fear is due to the expectations and self imposed pressure about how we think we are meant to be or feel (confident, sexy, bold, desirable etc) When you feel fear I suggest exploring the expectations you have on yourself about doing whatever it is you are scared of - and then giving yourself permission to be the opposite and whatever you need to be or do is perfect.