Anything hiding in the shadows of our psyche that we have cast out as not okay, unloveable or undesirable has power over us.
It blocks our relaxed, natural, authentic, expression,
it cuts off our abundance, our ability to have success and create freely,
it reduces our attractiveness, magnetism and desirability.
It stops our life force from flowing freely.
Loving and embracing all parts of ourselves is huge.
And everyone has a different shadow, shame, kink or block that is particular to them.
The journey to being a healthy adult is realising that you are not just your 30 or 40, 50 year old self (or whatever age you are right now) but more like a babushka (Matryoshka) doll. Every year you've lived before exists inside of you right now all the way back to your new born self. Each version holds different memories, needs, behaviours and expressions.
Each one makes up who you are, how you behave, what you believe, the decisions you make right now.
The health of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally begins with this awareness.
Like when you feel really insecure around the opposite sex, it's not you now but your 15 year old self who got rejected in high school for not being one of the pretty girls.
Or when you get really fucking angry when your partner vagues out for a moment, it's your 4 year old who never felt heard by your father.
Or your stomach goes into knots at the thought of speaking in public it's your 10 year old that used to stutter and get laughed at.
Your inability to take care of yourself and eat well is your newborn that never got breastfed.
In a world where success, getting to the top, and being an ass kicking badass powerhouse is often the desired outcome for a life well lived... I think humility gets an underrated rap.
To regularly find yourself in a place of ‘wow there is so much I don’t know’ reflects a much deeper wisdom than thinking you’ve always got it sorted.
I always think of that iceberg analogy that we really only have conscious awareness of the tiny tip visible above the water, while the other 80/90 percent of what’s going on is down below the surface and a complete mystery to us. We can only process so much of reality at once and this is just fact.
And that fact is, in the grand scheme of things we don’t know shit.
Recognising our smallness is just as valuable as being big, bold and out there. Feeling that we are but a tiny insignificant blip on the epic landscape of existence allows us to not take ourselves or life too seriously.
Over the past year or so much of my ego has been torn to bits around this. Mountains of false pride and naive arrogance ripped out from under me and although many times I’ve wanted to die and felt like I was, the continual gift that I’ve received from the process is that it has softened me.
It’s made me more compassionate, more receptive, humble and real.
Because essentially pretty much everyone is walking around with some level of it yet many of us have not even thought about it.
Think about it...
Your first contact with the world is a deep imprint that stays with you - whether you know it or not it will be affecting your feelings and actions as an adult.
Do you extremely triggered when you perceive others are pressuring you to make a decision?
It’s likely your birth trauma running.
Do you find most of your transitions are stressful and rushed, (getting to work, moving to a new house)?
Yahhh birth trauma.
When you experience anxiety in new unfamiliar situations.
When you just can’t settle or stop or relax and be with yourself.
When you struggle to trust or open with another.
When you can’t seem to finish all those projects you started or get anything off the ground.
Yep - birth trauma alert
Criticism...It's always gonna happen.
It's why so many people never put themselves out in the world publicly.
Why they are terrified of it and remain silent lurkers and likers on social media, consumers of other peoples creations and offerings but not daring to bring forth their own. The only difference between a public figure who influences and someone that doesn't is the decision to be in the ring, that decision is an edgy scary thing if somewhere in us we are attached to being liked by everyone.
The reality is whatever you do there will always be equal challenge and support in every response.
No matter how beautiful, how high your consciousness is.
How pure your intention, people will disagree, get offended, not like you. there are infinite beliefs, attitudes and experiences on this planet, infinite truths, but unfortunately many of us are so attached and identified with our beliefs and opinions that when you put anything out there for people to see - it's one hundred percent going to move some deeply and trigger the fuck out of others.
For every famous person who has a million fans they have a million haters.
If you want to be a force on the planet, influence many people and make big change the reality that not everyones going to like you MUST be faced and accepted.
What is the difference between having needs…and being needy?
Having things you want….and having addictions?
When your need is healthy and when is it really not serving you?
Can you tell the difference within yourself?
Or do you judge your natural human desires as unhealthy, addictive or codependent?
Do you convince yourself your addictions to food are good for you when really they aren't?
Getting in a healthy relationship with needs and desires can be really challenge to truly know when they serve us and when they screw us.
And it's not surprising really...When as children, we have so often been taught and had it modelled to us to deny them; to give them up, reject them, suppress them, feel bad about them.
Having really clear and healthy relationship with them is often something that we have to re-learn as adults.
In relationship to food, sex, relationships, work..all of it.
A very wise person said something to me which has become a very powerful barometer and understanding for how I live my life and relate with what I want.
Healthy needs always lead to wellness.
I'm going to repeat that because it's extremely powerful.
Healthy needs always lead to wellness.
When I was going through a big breakup with an ex partner of mine.
There was hardcore addiction going on, wanting to check his facebook page every few minutes, have draining phone conversations about meeting or not meeting up, blabbing on with my friends about all the little bullshit details of our ending... none of it resulted in feeling very good, but there was some superficial satisfaction when I did get my hit and it was a challenge to resist it.
But what really resulted in my deepest wellness was my need to be alone, with a glass of wine, chocolate, an open fire, a bath and my grief. Even amongst the intensity of the emotions, there was a nourishment and satisfaction in the latter option.
When you are addicted your need is tense and tainted with anxiety, there may an initial sigh of relief, pleasure or a rush to the body of feel good chemicals when you first meet that need. But it doesn’t take long for you to end up feeling empty or dissatisfied or just plain gross.
So, choosing wellness…. it's JUST like choosing between a gourmet, home cooked organic meal rather than greasy takeaway pizza, right?
Well, no, not necessarily.