We all struggle with something.
You cannot get away with not having shit you have to deal with in your life.
Experiences where there are wounds, ouchy bits, missing links, bumps in the road and areas where you just can't seem to get your shit together.
The thing is though, the issue is not the struggles themselves.
The issue is how we relate and respond to the struggles.
Because the reality of life is challenges and flaws will ALWAYS be there.
You cannot get rid of them EVER.
To grow and evolve is to learn and fuck up, to take one step forward and two steps back and that is the human journey.
And when you can humbly accept that the flaws and fuck ups are never going to end then you can stop harshly beating yourself up when they inevitably keep coming.
You can stop trying in vain to desperately clear away all your shit to become perfect and start doing the real work which is learning how to be graceful and loving with yourself and others in the messy process that being a human is.
Then when you witness your shit show up in yourself or your life, when you see that same pattern, that same trauma reoccurring, another hurdle, another flaw;
The journey to being a healthy adult is realising that you are not just your 30 or 40, 50 year old self (or whatever age you are right now) but more like a babushka (Matryoshka) doll. Every year you've lived before exists inside of you right now all the way back to your new born self. Each version holds different memories, needs, behaviours and expressions.
Each one makes up who you are, how you behave, what you believe, the decisions you make right now.
The health of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally begins with this awareness.
Like when you feel really insecure around the opposite sex, it's not you now but your 15 year old self who got rejected in high school for not being one of the pretty girls.
Or when you get really fucking angry when your partner vagues out for a moment, it's your 4 year old who never felt heard by your father.
Or your stomach goes into knots at the thought of speaking in public it's your 10 year old that used to stutter and get laughed at.
Your inability to take care of yourself and eat well is your newborn that never got breastfed.
Because essentially pretty much everyone is walking around with some level of it yet many of us have not even thought about it.
Think about it...
Your first contact with the world is a deep imprint that stays with you - whether you know it or not it will be affecting your feelings and actions as an adult.
Do you extremely triggered when you perceive others are pressuring you to make a decision?
It’s likely your birth trauma running.
Do you find most of your transitions are stressful and rushed, (getting to work, moving to a new house)?
Yahhh birth trauma.
When you experience anxiety in new unfamiliar situations.
When you just can’t settle or stop or relax and be with yourself.
When you struggle to trust or open with another.
When you can’t seem to finish all those projects you started or get anything off the ground.
Yep - birth trauma alert
It's that totally inevitable, unavoidable part of being human; it may feel like nausea, dread, be felt all through your body or be just in your head - but it's there and it's very real and often shows up when we are moving out of our comfort zone and dancing on our edge. Working in sexuality and putting on events that are slightly on the boundary pushing side; I speak with a lot of people about fear; the many ways it affects our lives and how we deal with it. What I've seen is most, is that we don't have a balanced relationship with our fear, we've got a kind of dominant-submissive thing going on where fear is kicking our ass and controlling us completely whenever he shows up. I'm very passionate about fear and have found a pretty nice kind of arrangement with the guy so I thought I would share with you today a few tips on ways to help you respond, relate, communicate and ultimately love your fear. this could be when you are thinking about asking someone out, starting a new project, or pondering a confronting workshop or event.
FEAR - THE DO'S AND DONT'S
DON'T believe that fear is ever going to disappear or that you can transcend it and be free.
DO recognise that fear is a part of the evolution and process of growth and is simply a signpost for where you need to go next, and once you get there - as the saying goes...new level, new devil. Learning how to respond and relate when the devil shows up is the key.
DON'T make demands of yourself - or try to force yourself into feeling a certain way about the situation.
DO drop your expectations. Often our fear is due to the expectations and self imposed pressure about how we think we are meant to be or feel (confident, sexy, bold, desirable etc) When you feel fear I suggest exploring the expectations you have on yourself about doing whatever it is you are scared of - and then giving yourself permission to be the opposite and whatever you need to be or do is perfect.