 What if you completely dropped the wounded story that you are traumatised, broken and there is something wrong with you?
What if you let go of more healing, more processing, more figuring things out, more cleansing, more fixing and just went full power into creating your life just as you are?  And just like that, there you go again.
Rushing, stressing moving in the world as if it’s going to end today. Overwhelmed, frazzled, busy as fuck Moving like your life depends on getting to the end of some illusionary finish line. Doesn't matter what it is really, There's a stressful tempo of go, go, go. Urgently, frantically, ON Rushing through your shower, your breakfast, sex, the next big project, all the things that need doing and deciding and finishing. Regularly arriving late and breathless, cramming for a deadline, cumming hard and fast for the finish line. Adrenaline, caffeine, cortisol, addicted to the rush of chaos, passionate triggers, tight tension and the weight of responsibility  Dear life,
Thank you for loving me. When you are stroking and caressing me and I am purring. When you are kicking the living shit out of me and I am bruised, beaten and hurting. When you are bringing me more pleasure and joy than I think is possible. When you are threatening to destroy and dismantle everything that I hold close. THANK YOU for loving me. When I’m abandoned and when I’m welcomed. When I am terrified and when I am unstoppable. When I am deeply seen and when I am painfully ignored. Every. single. moment. Thank you for your love. I know I’ve been ferociously fighting you for so long. Fists clenched at eye height, taking you on. I’ve been resisting you, manipulating you, Controlling you (at least attempting too!) Protecting myself from the scary unknown of you. Desperately scrambling for a way out. Scanning constantly for the eject button. White knuckles clinging to your edges in panic. Terrified to really rest back, to let go and fall into you  In a world where success, getting to the top, and being an ass kicking badass powerhouse is often the desired outcome for a life well lived... I think humility gets an underrated rap.
To regularly find yourself in a place of ‘wow there is so much I don’t know’ reflects a much deeper wisdom than thinking you’ve always got it sorted. I always think of that iceberg analogy that we really only have conscious awareness of the tiny tip visible above the water, while the other 80/90 percent of what’s going on is down below the surface and a complete mystery to us. We can only process so much of reality at once and this is just fact. And that fact is, in the grand scheme of things we don’t know shit. Recognising our smallness is just as valuable as being big, bold and out there. Feeling that we are but a tiny insignificant blip on the epic landscape of existence allows us to not take ourselves or life too seriously. Over the past year or so much of my ego has been torn to bits around this. Mountains of false pride and naive arrogance ripped out from under me and although many times I’ve wanted to die and felt like I was, the continual gift that I’ve received from the process is that it has softened me. It’s made me more compassionate, more receptive, humble and real.  I have spent years in the conscious community, workshop, healing bubble.
Creating, leading and being part of spaces very outside of ‘normal’ mainstream society. Magical rituals and ceremony, spaces which encourage full shameless freedom, spaces which invite total sexual emotional expression, deep sharing, places where there is deep sensitivity and feeling and conscious acknowledgement of what is beneath the surface of the physical world, spaces where there are boundaries and agreements and consent containers at every turn. Although I am a huge fan of spaces like this and the healing bubble they provide. I also think it is extremely important for true integration to embrace and be part of the world outside the workshop. Both are equally valuable and necessary  If I had to transmit only one piece of wisdom on the world before I died it would be this.
That no matter what is happening to you right now or has happened to you in the past. I can absolutely 100 percent guarantee you that your life is absolute fucking magic and poetry. That in every moment that has and will happen you are constantly being deeply served and loved. When I had my psychosis 6 years ago I was initiated into this big time. I was totally cracked open after doing a lot of spiritual work way too fast, went down the altered state rabbit hole and amongst a whole bunch of weird and dark shit that was my psyche trying to process and integrate a lot of undealt with stuff, I also experienced the full on interconnectedness of all things that has stayed with me since. I experienced a level of crystal clear awareness of the magic of reality - that every relationship, every word spoken, every physical occurrence that manifested in front of my eyes was intrinsically linked.  DESIRE - that pull or charge we feel in our body towards something or someone are signposts to transformation, growth, connection, love and our gateway to divinity.
Our desires are the divine pull that can guide our entire life. But still, this idea can be a challenge to embody when all around us this energy is being shut down, repressed and blocked- we have so much mind shit going on that the initial impetus of our desire gets stopped fast in it's tracks before we even get the chance to say 'I like you'- This starts to happen from a very young age and because it's such an ingrained pattern, so many of us have no idea what we actually do want because we have spent so many years having to keep it in. The channel between feeling the desire and expressing it is clogged up and this energy gets all confused and warped in it's attempt at expression - desires and wants manifest in weird, unclear ways that leave us unfulfilled, unsatisfied and unmet.We withhold our expression of our desire all the time because we are scared of what that means - maybe we will look like a slut, desperate, needy, sleazy. Or we turn the initial activated pull of desire into fantasy ideas about that person being the 'one' our soul mate or the person we are meant to have our babies with. All these mind concepts are the very things that block the free flow of the expression of it. Rather than simply trusting the energy is guiding you and be curious about what that is. If we move in the spiritual, Buddhist, ascetic worlds for long enough we can be told that our desires are not spiritual - or maybe as a young child we were told we were 'selfish' There are plenty of teachings out there which can support the idea that our desires are something we need to ascend, detach from, get rid of or feel bad about. We are living in an epidemic of desire suppression and it's fucking shit up.  Fear.
It's that totally inevitable, unavoidable part of being human; it may feel like nausea, dread, be felt all through your body or be just in your head - but it's there and it's very real and often shows up when we are moving out of our comfort zone and dancing on our edge. Working in sexuality and putting on events that are slightly on the boundary pushing side; I speak with a lot of people about fear; the many ways it affects our lives and how we deal with it. What I've seen is most, is that we don't have a balanced relationship with our fear, we've got a kind of dominant-submissive thing going on where fear is kicking our ass and controlling us completely whenever he shows up. I'm very passionate about fear and have found a pretty nice kind of arrangement with the guy so I thought I would share with you today a few tips on ways to help you respond, relate, communicate and ultimately love your fear. this could be when you are thinking about asking someone out, starting a new project, or pondering a confronting workshop or event. FEAR - THE DO'S AND DONT'S DON'T believe that fear is ever going to disappear or that you can transcend it and be free. DO recognise that fear is a part of the evolution and process of growth and is simply a signpost for where you need to go next, and once you get there - as the saying goes...new level, new devil. Learning how to respond and relate when the devil shows up is the key. DON'T make demands of yourself - or try to force yourself into feeling a certain way about the situation. DO drop your expectations. Often our fear is due to the expectations and self imposed pressure about how we think we are meant to be or feel (confident, sexy, bold, desirable etc) When you feel fear I suggest exploring the expectations you have on yourself about doing whatever it is you are scared of - and then giving yourself permission to be the opposite and whatever you need to be or do is perfect. |
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