And just like that, there you go again.
Rushing, stressing moving in the world as if it’s going to end today.
Overwhelmed, frazzled, busy as fuck
Moving like your life depends on getting to the end of some illusionary finish line.
Doesn't matter what it is really,
There's a stressful tempo of go, go, go.
Urgently, frantically, ON
Rushing through your shower, your breakfast, sex, the next big project, all the things that need doing and deciding and finishing.
Regularly arriving late and breathless, cramming for a deadline, cumming hard and fast for the finish line.
Adrenaline, caffeine, cortisol, addicted to the rush of chaos, passionate triggers, tight tension and the weight of responsibility
We all struggle with something.
You cannot get away with not having shit you have to deal with in your life.
Experiences where there are wounds, ouchy bits, missing links, bumps in the road and areas where you just can't seem to get your shit together.
The thing is though, the issue is not the struggles themselves.
The issue is how we relate and respond to the struggles.
Because the reality of life is challenges and flaws will ALWAYS be there.
You cannot get rid of them EVER.
To grow and evolve is to learn and fuck up, to take one step forward and two steps back and that is the human journey.
And when you can humbly accept that the flaws and fuck ups are never going to end then you can stop harshly beating yourself up when they inevitably keep coming.
You can stop trying in vain to desperately clear away all your shit to become perfect and start doing the real work which is learning how to be graceful and loving with yourself and others in the messy process that being a human is.
Then when you witness your shit show up in yourself or your life, when you see that same pattern, that same trauma reoccurring, another hurdle, another flaw;
Thank you for loving me.
When you are stroking and caressing me and I am purring.
When you are kicking the living shit out of me and I am bruised, beaten and hurting.
When you are bringing me more pleasure and joy than I think is possible.
When you are threatening to destroy and dismantle everything that I hold close.
THANK YOU for loving me.
When I’m abandoned and when I’m welcomed.
When I am terrified and when I am unstoppable.
When I am deeply seen and when I am painfully ignored.
Every. single. moment.
Thank you for your love.
I know I’ve been ferociously fighting you for so long.
Fists clenched at eye height, taking you on.
I’ve been resisting you, manipulating you,
Controlling you (at least attempting too!)
Protecting myself from the scary unknown of you.
Desperately scrambling for a way out.
Scanning constantly for the eject button.
White knuckles clinging to your edges in panic.
Terrified to really rest back, to let go and fall into you
The journey to being a healthy adult is realising that you are not just your 30 or 40, 50 year old self (or whatever age you are right now) but more like a babushka (Matryoshka) doll. Every year you've lived before exists inside of you right now all the way back to your new born self. Each version holds different memories, needs, behaviours and expressions.
Each one makes up who you are, how you behave, what you believe, the decisions you make right now.
The health of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally begins with this awareness.
Like when you feel really insecure around the opposite sex, it's not you now but your 15 year old self who got rejected in high school for not being one of the pretty girls.
Or when you get really fucking angry when your partner vagues out for a moment, it's your 4 year old who never felt heard by your father.
Or your stomach goes into knots at the thought of speaking in public it's your 10 year old that used to stutter and get laughed at.
Your inability to take care of yourself and eat well is your newborn that never got breastfed.
In a world where success, getting to the top, and being an ass kicking badass powerhouse is often the desired outcome for a life well lived... I think humility gets an underrated rap.
To regularly find yourself in a place of ‘wow there is so much I don’t know’ reflects a much deeper wisdom than thinking you’ve always got it sorted.
I always think of that iceberg analogy that we really only have conscious awareness of the tiny tip visible above the water, while the other 80/90 percent of what’s going on is down below the surface and a complete mystery to us. We can only process so much of reality at once and this is just fact.
And that fact is, in the grand scheme of things we don’t know shit.
Recognising our smallness is just as valuable as being big, bold and out there. Feeling that we are but a tiny insignificant blip on the epic landscape of existence allows us to not take ourselves or life too seriously.
Over the past year or so much of my ego has been torn to bits around this. Mountains of false pride and naive arrogance ripped out from under me and although many times I’ve wanted to die and felt like I was, the continual gift that I’ve received from the process is that it has softened me.
It’s made me more compassionate, more receptive, humble and real.
I have spent years in the conscious community, workshop, healing bubble.
Creating, leading and being part of spaces very outside of ‘normal’ mainstream society.
Magical rituals and ceremony, spaces which encourage full shameless freedom, spaces which invite total sexual emotional expression, deep sharing, places where there is deep sensitivity and feeling and conscious acknowledgement of what is beneath the surface of the physical world, spaces where there are boundaries and agreements and consent containers at every turn.
Although I am a huge fan of spaces like this and the healing bubble they provide. I also think it is extremely important for true integration to embrace and be part of the world outside the workshop. Both are equally valuable and necessary
Because essentially pretty much everyone is walking around with some level of it yet many of us have not even thought about it.
Think about it...
Your first contact with the world is a deep imprint that stays with you - whether you know it or not it will be affecting your feelings and actions as an adult.
Do you extremely triggered when you perceive others are pressuring you to make a decision?
It’s likely your birth trauma running.
Do you find most of your transitions are stressful and rushed, (getting to work, moving to a new house)?
Yahhh birth trauma.
When you experience anxiety in new unfamiliar situations.
When you just can’t settle or stop or relax and be with yourself.
When you struggle to trust or open with another.
When you can’t seem to finish all those projects you started or get anything off the ground.
Yep - birth trauma alert
A free man is one of the most terrifying things for a woman.
Because once a man becomes free,
He cannot be trained,
He cannot be moulded,
He cannot be controlled.
He cannot manipulated into who we want him to be.
You complain that your man isn’t strong enough,
Doesn’t fuck you hard enough, well enough, or frequently enough,
Isn’t strong or passionate or exciting or masculine enough.
You say you want a King who's established and mature.
But what you aren’t getting is the very thing that would make this man all of that and more…
Is also the very thing that when it truly shows up, will threaten to completely destroy your Disney princess fantasy and christian conditioned matrimonies that are keeping it alive.
And that shit is terrifying.
A man who isn’t dependent on mummy's love,
So starving for her nourishment and so scared of its withdrawal that he will do anything to keep it on tap.
A man who tentatively puts all his desires and needs aside for yours,
the strings of your purse tightening around his balls with every ‘yes dear.’
A free man's integrity is more important to him than his need for your approval.
He loves you, but loves himself more.
I've been pondering leaky sexual energy a lot lately.
The how and why of my own leaks and the leaks of others.
For anyone who's ever been around the spiritual/tantra worlds you have likely experienced what I mean.
Gurus with no professional boundaries. Healers who hold that hug just a few seconds too long. That feeling of playing with another person's (or multiple persons') energy field in a way that feels hooky, dirty, manipulative or just 'off'.
If I had to transmit only one piece of wisdom on the world before I died it would be this.
That no matter what is happening to you right now or has happened to you in the past.
I can absolutely 100 percent guarantee you that your life is absolute fucking magic and poetry.
That in every moment that has and will happen you are constantly being deeply served and loved.
When I had my psychosis 6 years ago I was initiated into this big time.
I was totally cracked open after doing a lot of spiritual work way too fast, went down the altered state rabbit hole and amongst a whole bunch of weird and dark shit that was my psyche trying to process and integrate a lot of undealt with stuff,
I also experienced the full on interconnectedness of all things that has stayed with me since.
I experienced a level of crystal clear awareness of the magic of reality - that every relationship, every word spoken, every physical occurrence that manifested in front of my eyes was intrinsically linked.