It's that totally inevitable, unavoidable part of being human; it may feel like nausea, dread, be felt all through your body or be just in your head - but it's there and it's very real and often shows up when we are moving out of our comfort zone and dancing on our edge. Working in sexuality and putting on events that are slightly on the boundary pushing side; I speak with a lot of people about fear; the many ways it affects our lives and how we deal with it. What I've seen is most, is that we don't have a balanced relationship with our fear, we've got a kind of dominant-submissive thing going on where fear is kicking our ass and controlling us completely whenever he shows up. I'm very passionate about fear and have found a pretty nice kind of arrangement with the guy so I thought I would share with you today a few tips on ways to help you respond, relate, communicate and ultimately love your fear. this could be when you are thinking about asking someone out, starting a new project, or pondering a confronting workshop or event.
FEAR - THE DO'S AND DONT'S
DON'T believe that fear is ever going to disappear or that you can transcend it and be free.
DO recognise that fear is a part of the evolution and process of growth and is simply a signpost for where you need to go next, and once you get there - as the saying goes...new level, new devil. Learning how to respond and relate when the devil shows up is the key.
DON'T make demands of yourself - or try to force yourself into feeling a certain way about the situation.
DO drop your expectations. Often our fear is due to the expectations and self imposed pressure about how we think we are meant to be or feel (confident, sexy, bold, desirable etc) When you feel fear I suggest exploring the expectations you have on yourself about doing whatever it is you are scared of - and then giving yourself permission to be the opposite and whatever you need to be or do is perfect.
DON'T be hard on yourself when you are feeling scared.
DO be nurturing and loving towards yourself - take on the soothing attitude like you would to a child that is afraid - assure, comfort and care for that part of you.
DON'T be overly identified with the fear.
DO recognise that it is a PART of you that is scared - not all of you - there is also a part of you that has the ability to comfort and nurture and rationalise and protect - try to focus on the different parts of yourself rather than letting the activated fear take over ALL of you. Allow that nurturing part of you to care for the scared part (treating the scared part like you would a child really works!)
DON'T think fear is a good enough reason to not do it.
DO remember that fear is exactly the reason that you should do it!! It is the flashing indicator that there is transformation and growth there and you have found your edge to dance upon. the life equation is the more charged the fear the bigger the gift.
DON'T make up other excuses about why you can't attend/commit/approach.
DO acknowledge the fear and resistance - this is the biggest step really. we can use so many excuses when we are scared to rationalise the fear away and make ourselves believe something else - admitting that it's just plain old fear may feel painful to sit with, but it's a hell of a lot closer to getting past your edge than having some other reason like 'I just don't have the time' or 'i'm not feeling up to it' 'i don't like the poster' blocking what's really there for you.
We need to treat our fear like we would a sacred and afraid child.
You wouldn't tell them to shut up and get over it.
You wouldn't push them, tell them it's all in their hear or that they should harden up and get over it
You would acknowledge and soothe them.
Hug and nurture them.
Reassure them that everything is going to be okay.
Let them know you believe in them and know they can do it.
And no matter what happens - you love them!
So Try that Next Time :)
And remember, fear will never go away as long as we are evolving and growing.
It's finding this fine balance between gentleness with yourself and finding the inner core strength to just do it.
Embrace the devil of the new level and use your fears as a sign post to your next level of transformation..with love and tenderness.